Only Time Will Tell

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I haven’t really had anything too ‘blogworthy’ to report these past few days.  I’m slowly, but surely, getting through this TWW.  Almost half-way there! I can get through this…I can get through this…

I’ve been seeing a lot of pregnant bellies lately.  When I went out to lunch today, with K, I saw 5.  Five!!!!! Maybe they catch my eye more often during the TWW – I don’t know.  I do love me some pregnant bellies.  Does that sound freakish? I promise it’s not.  I just think they are beautiful.  Can I have one, please?

I’ll jump right in. Today is 5DPO and I woke up this morning to very odd breast tenderness.  Jumping. Right. In.  I thought that this was unusual, as I usually don’t have that until a day or two before AF, if at all.  I sleep on my stomach every night; I have since I was a little girl.  I’ve tried to sleep on my side or my back, but I just end up laying awake for hours, so it’s pointless. In the wee hours of this morning, I had to roll onto my side to avoid the pain.  You remember when you were just a kid and going through those growth spurts?? Puberty.  At least for me, I remember my chest would hurt so badly when I jogged, or if someone hit me accidentally (or brushed up against me a little too hard) it could bring tears to my eyes.  That’s what it felt like this morning.  It only lasted a few hours…but it was very odd, and I figured it was symptom-like enough to mention here.   I still have no clue about this cycle.  Again, no “gut feeling”.  I’m trying to not be TOO hopeful (again)… I just know I will be so devastated if it doesn’t work this time.  I am trying to keep busy and keep my mind off the TWW.  Every month I say this… “I just wish I KNEW.  One way or the other.”  I am debating, again, whether to just wait to see if AF shows, or test.  I know I’ll probably crack and do a test around 12DPO.  Just can’t help myself.  FF wants me to test at 13DPO.

We’ve decided if AF rears her ugly head, and this cycle wasn’t a success, we are going to do some testing on KD.  Sperm count and motility.  See…..we never did that.  We just figured all the health screening was good enough.  After all, our KD is 23 and healthy.  But, at the same time, even young, healthy men can have problems in that area.  His little guys may not be able to swim, or they could be swimming in circles.  I’ve told K that we just have to find out for sure.  Even 3 months into this process, I just can’t deal with failed attempt after failed attempt, and I certainly don’t want us to be injecting the stuff in me if it’s not going to work eventually.  If his results aren’t good, we’re going to have to go onto Plan B.  Locating another KD.  I really don’t want to use frozen stuff.  Financially, if we had to do many cycles with the frozen stuff from the bank, it would put a big strain on us.  I also like the fact that with using a KD our child would be able to meet their “biological father”.  Just to KNOW.  Even though our son or daughter won’t have a relationship with him, I still feel like this is important. If KD turns out to have great numbers for sperm count & motility, we’ll just keep on keeping on with it I guess……

I’ve wrestled, in my head, with the idea of taking a break if it doesn’t work this time. What? “A break?”, you say? Yes.  A break. This has been more difficult than I thought.  If we don’t get a BFP, I will be disappointed and discouraged, more so than I probably want to admit.  A break might let me clear my head…  I don’t really know what we’ll do, to be honest.  It’s an option though.  We may choose that route; we may not.

It may just take longer for us. A few more cycles. Or, medically, something could be going on with me. We might need some help, medically, to conceive.  Either way, we’ll just know what we’re up against after KD’s tests…..that is, if we aren’t pregnant.  Chart was good for today. Temps are right where they should be, which is great.

Allowing myself the possibility to believe there may be something forming inside of me is dangerous for my mind and heart.  I can see myself pregnant.  I can picture K’s hands on my belly.  I imagine what it must be like to feel a child, our child, kicking inside of me. Birth.  The first cry. It’s hard to believe how badly I, we, want this.

And now I will try try try to keep my mind off the wait.

Oh, did I mention our due date would be December 20th? Two days before my 25th birthday.

Only time will tell……

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11 thoughts on “Only Time Will Tell

  1. I came upon your blog while searching for others posting about TTC and infertility. I just wanted to wish you lots of luck and a BFP this month!

  2. Tiff, you gotta do what’s right for you and what will give you peace of mind, but you also need to learn that conceiving doesn’t happen right away.

    I have 2 female coworkers, both straight, both married. C is 24. She and her husband had been trying for 4 years, and several doctors told her she’d never get pregnant naturally. She wasn’t in a hurry, so it didn’t worry her too much. Then one day it just happened. Without assistance.

    N is 26. She has a 4 yr old boy. She had been trying for over a year. 8 months ago, she had a miscarriage at 6 weeks (the ugly part of testing really early is knowing when this sort of thing happens… she said herself she’d have thought it was a heavy period otherwise). Today? She’s 4 months pregnant and doing great.

    You just have to know that it’ll happen when your body is good and ready, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with KD or you. Stop stressing. N’s doctor even told her worrying and stressing could cause her NOT to get pregnant.

    Learn to accept that your body will have its own timetable, and that baby will come when the time is right. This should be a happy, dream filled journey for you, and it seems it’s stopped being so.

    If you need a break to recharge batteries and gain a different perspective again, so be it. Just be ok, alright?

    I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for you guys. Heck, I’m rooting for twins! 😉

  3. Thanks for leaving a comment on our blog! I’m so glad to have visitors out here in blogland! Good luck on your cycle! I hope you get your BFP!! It took us 9 tries over three years to finally get our BFP. It is a long hard road, but let me tell you– it is so worth it once you get your BFP!!! I know you probably get that a lot- I sure did. BUT it is SOOOOO true!

    Good luck again!!

  4. hang on. I know it can be much much harder that you could have imagined before you started but try to keep your head up and be sad when you need to be sad. I just know there will be another Richmond baby in the hopper soon.

  5. I really hope this cycle works out for you… if not, it will happen soon, don’t get too discouraged (believe me, I know it is easy to do!).. I think your testing of your KD would probably be a good idea for peace of mind at least.

  6. I hope this is the cycle for you! Good first symptom!
    And I’m a big proponent of breaks…they are a great time to recharge and get balance back!
    Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourselves!
    Oh, and I know it is expensive (boy do I know), but they do have identity release sperm donors so when your kid turns 18 they have have contact with their donor if they choose to. Just FYI.

  7. Oh honey. We are so on the same page today. My post is a lot like yours. Remember that it’s only been a few cycles and it takes most healthy people longer than how long we’ve been trying. But I understand the desire to break. After last cycle’s disappointment, I remember telling Angi through tears that I just didn’t think I could do it again. I needed time. But two weeks was enough and the temptation to try was too great. Especially in our situations with KDs, you really aren’t losing much at least trying until you are ready for the next step. But whatever you need to do, I’m 100% behind you. You are going to be such a good mum – and a gorgeous pregant lady! Soon.

  8. hang in there! i know the process is stressful but so so worth it! in my experience, we were just as consumed when we took a break as when we were actively trying. when you want something so bad, you typically want it yesterday, not in 9+ months. taking a break pushes out the finish line. i think it’s a great idea to have your donor checked, you’d hate to waste a lot more time if it turns up that he has a problem. good luck, i’m pulling for this month to be YOUR month!

  9. LOL that was Harris’ due date- Dec 20th. I remember the feeling that you are experiencing. We tested on April 12th, 2007 at 14dpo (after getting 3 BFNs on earlier days) and finally got our BFP. Here is to us having babies- 1 year apart!! (Maybe ;))

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