I haven’t really had anything too ‘blogworthy’ to report these past few days. I’m slowly, but surely, getting through this TWW. Almost half-way there! I can get through this…I can get through this…
I’ve been seeing a lot of pregnant bellies lately. When I went out to lunch today, with K, I saw 5. Five!!!!! Maybe they catch my eye more often during the TWW – I don’t know. I do love me some pregnant bellies. Does that sound freakish? I promise it’s not. I just think they are beautiful. Can I have one, please?
I’ll jump right in. Today is 5DPO and I woke up this morning to very odd breast tenderness. Jumping. Right. In. I thought that this was unusual, as I usually don’t have that until a day or two before AF, if at all. I sleep on my stomach every night; I have since I was a little girl. I’ve tried to sleep on my side or my back, but I just end up laying awake for hours, so it’s pointless. In the wee hours of this morning, I had to roll onto my side to avoid the pain. You remember when you were just a kid and going through those growth spurts?? Puberty. At least for me, I remember my chest would hurt so badly when I jogged, or if someone hit me accidentally (or brushed up against me a little too hard) it could bring tears to my eyes. That’s what it felt like this morning. It only lasted a few hours…but it was very odd, and I figured it was symptom-like enough to mention here. I still have no clue about this cycle. Again, no “gut feeling”. I’m trying to not be TOO hopeful (again)… I just know I will be so devastated if it doesn’t work this time. I am trying to keep busy and keep my mind off the TWW. Every month I say this… “I just wish I KNEW. One way or the other.” I am debating, again, whether to just wait to see if AF shows, or test. I know I’ll probably crack and do a test around 12DPO. Just can’t help myself. FF wants me to test at 13DPO.
We’ve decided if AF rears her ugly head, and this cycle wasn’t a success, we are going to do some testing on KD. Sperm count and motility. See…..we never did that. We just figured all the health screening was good enough. After all, our KD is 23 and healthy. But, at the same time, even young, healthy men can have problems in that area. His little guys may not be able to swim, or they could be swimming in circles. I’ve told K that we just have to find out for sure. Even 3 months into this process, I just can’t deal with failed attempt after failed attempt, and I certainly don’t want us to be injecting the stuff in me if it’s not going to work eventually. If his results aren’t good, we’re going to have to go onto Plan B. Locating another KD. I really don’t want to use frozen stuff. Financially, if we had to do many cycles with the frozen stuff from the bank, it would put a big strain on us. I also like the fact that with using a KD our child would be able to meet their “biological father”. Just to KNOW. Even though our son or daughter won’t have a relationship with him, I still feel like this is important. If KD turns out to have great numbers for sperm count & motility, we’ll just keep on keeping on with it I guess……
I’ve wrestled, in my head, with the idea of taking a break if it doesn’t work this time. What? “A break?”, you say? Yes. A break. This has been more difficult than I thought. If we don’t get a BFP, I will be disappointed and discouraged, more so than I probably want to admit. A break might let me clear my head… I don’t really know what we’ll do, to be honest. It’s an option though. We may choose that route; we may not.
It may just take longer for us. A few more cycles. Or, medically, something could be going on with me. We might need some help, medically, to conceive. Either way, we’ll just know what we’re up against after KD’s tests…..that is, if we aren’t pregnant. Chart was good for today. Temps are right where they should be, which is great.
Allowing myself the possibility to believe there may be something forming inside of me is dangerous for my mind and heart. I can see myself pregnant. I can picture K’s hands on my belly. I imagine what it must be like to feel a child, our child, kicking inside of me. Birth. The first cry. It’s hard to believe how badly I, we, want this.
And now I will try try try to keep my mind off the wait.
Oh, did I mention our due date would be December 20th? Two days before my 25th birthday.
Only time will tell……