Thanks girls, for all the encouragement and support. That meant a lot. Well, she showed up – the blood – not to my surprise after that huge temperature drop, but much to my disappointment. At the time, it felt devastating. Negativity was marinating in my mind and spirit for a few too many days for my liking. The cramps arrived, along with the heavy bleeding that just makes your whole body ache. I was miserable. Every pang stabbing away at my hopes for a Christmas baby. Don’t the fertility gods realize that we have too many adorable outfits that are oh-so-very-yuletide-like-utterly-reeking-of-Christmassy-cuteness? More importantly than outfits…don’t they realize how badly we want this to work? My head and heart want a baby, but my body doesn’t seem to be thinking the same way. Things never go according to our timeline though. This I have realized.
The pain has lessened now. I’ve gotten through the disappointment of our last failed attempt with the help of K. She was sweet and consoling and perfect in my “I’M SORRY I’M SUCH A FAILURE!!!, WILL WE EVER GET PREGNANT???, I NEED TO CRY IN THE BATHROOM!!! – type breakdown.” All I needed was for her to be lovely and positive, and she was. She handled the news so well. I know it got her down, but she bounced right back. She didn’t let her disappointment stop her from being there for me, being my rock. My kedge. It’s an odd word – KEDGE. A kedge is an anchor that keeps a ship steady. I think that’s fitting that I call her that. She was my anchor during the hours and days after AF reared its ugly head. I truly couldn’t get through all of this without her humour and love.
Our donor’s encouragement for the upcoming cycle helped too. He just said, “Don’t worry, you just let me know when you need me and I’m there.” He also nonchalantly said, “It’s probably just because we’re not doing it the old-fashioned way”, with a smirk on his face. Bless his heart. Yeah, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But, still, it was a good laugh.
I enjoyed a few killer Bahama Mamas last night at the local lesbian bar, during a
very-painful-for-the-ears gratifying evening of karaoke with friends. I’m all about people jumping on up there and just having a good time. It’s not about getting “seen” in hopes of been signed by a major music label or anything. Some people really do act that way though. SO very serious. And they really believe they are God’s gift to karaoke night. Completely confident (and off-key) they belt it out – painfully for all those listening. They stroll offstage, pride – and mullet – intact. Yeah….it was rough. But we had some laughs – and really, it just helped to have a night away from TTC stress, have a good time with my girl and feel the weight of all the not-pregnant sadness lift off my shoulders. Not to mention, I hadn’t had a drink in forever; it was lovely.
Last cycle, our first 2 insems were way too early. I had gone on just CM/CF. The other too were perfectly timed, just unfortunately didn’t take. I really am going to put the money out there, this cycle, to get good OPK’s and test twice daily. How soon after a +OPK do you girls recommend ‘sperming up’? We really can only ever do the inseminations at night, unless it is on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case we could do an afternoon try. When I got the positive SMILEY OPK (we got the + at lunchtime), we did the insemination at 10 or 10:30 that evening. For those of you who have gotten pregnant, how soon after a + did you insem? What do you all recommend? We’re hoping that 3 will be our lucky number. Any tips or advice that you think would help us for ICI number three?
We still have one more shot at getting our wee one in time for Xmas. Will we be able to do it? Will it work this time? I am absolutely not giving up hope. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll still have my girl. My love. My kedge to keep me steady through this emotional storm.